I can’t help myself. I’m watching the Grammy’s, and it is such a self-congratulatory clown fest, I gotta blog moment to moment:
8:00 p.m. EST — Undeniable proof that Lady Gaga is a drama club nerd who woke up 4 years ago and thought “I know what will make me famous . .. . I’ll wear a thong and 9″ inch heels and HUUUUGGGGGEEEE shoulder pads.” Yep, we’re all impressed Lady. Oh, by the way, I had to switch the channel when they threw Lady into a cauldron. My daughter was still in the room. When I flipped back, Gaga was doing a “return from the dead” duet with Sir Elton John. They are both covered in soot and, apparently, back from the dead. Elton John covered in soot? Hey, Elton: You’re a Sir, dammit, don’t let some flash in the pan make you agree to any costume change that includes covering yourself in dirt. Take it from Madonna: Dirty = okay. Dirt = desperate. Got it?
8:13 — Beyonce’s “All The Single Ladies” wins Song of the Year. Appropriate coming from a woman dating the most Powerful Man in the Universe. No, not Massachusetts Senator-elect and former centerfold Scott Brown. I mean Jay-Z. He’ll remain the most powerful man in the world until 50-Cent cashes in the rest of his Vitamin Water stock in 3 months. Enjoy the time, Jay. By the way, I love “Crazy in Love” by Jay-Z and Beyonce because they really ARE crazy in love.
8:15 Green Day performs with a broadway cast. Who would have thought 3 chords would last them over 15 years? Enjoy it, Billie Joe, Billie Bob and Billie Bill — there’s no way you’ll see the pearly gates of heaven. You’ve obviously made a deal with the devil to gain any sort of popularity. And, just to set things straight: You’re not British, are you, Billie Joe? You’re from, like, Charlotte, right? Start singing like it. It’s never too late to let that Southern accent shine. Also, this is quite a bold move to perform with Broadway actors who have no money in the bank and 10 times m0re talent than you. Bold move, to say the least.
8:23 Commercial for CBS’s Monday night line-up. Really? 35 year-old nerds and Charlie Sheen are actually funny?
8:25 Josh Duamel presenting. Somebody tell Josh-y that his wife is in the building. That should help him keep his hands to himself.
8:26 Taylor Swift just won her first Grammy of the night. Nice work, Kanye. Before you stepped up to the plate she was only moderately successful. Thanks to you, she is every girl’s hero now. Please, Taylor, please: thank Kanye in your acceptance speech. You owe him big time.
8:27 The Mentalist Simon Baker presenting. Oooohhh — he wears funky glasses and her STILL looks handsome. Shame on you, Austin Powers.
8:28 Beyonce performing. Man, is it windy in there. She’s decked out with the Bomb Squad from Public Enemy. Did she get permission from Chuck D to skip their performance at Northern Lights to do the Grammy’s?
8:30 Beyonce’s gone from screaming her own song to screaming “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette. Proving, once and for all, that Alanis’ music rules the world with an iron fist. The only time I looked up from my computer was when she switched to “You Outghta Know”, and thought: now THIS sounds good. Alanis Morrissette: enlightened, running the marathon, and writing music that kicks ass 15 years after release. Nice.
8:34 They just promised that “Robert Downey, Jr. will be bringing out Jamie Fox, T-Pain and Slash . . .” otherwise known as ’One Big Mess.’” T-Pain. T-Pain? Come on. You should only be allowed to call yourself that if your first album is entitled ”Painful.” I just checked Wikipedia. His first album wasn’t entitled “Painful”, it was called ”Rappa Ternt Sanga.” That means “Rapper Turned Singer.” It took me 5 minutes to figure out the translation. So, in other words, not Painful, but definitely painful.
8:40 Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and now Pink. I’m sensing a pattern. Yes, they’re all women. But I’m looking slightly beyond the obvious. Every song is this: “I’m strong. I’m confident. I’m passionate about the fact that I can’t forgive you. And I’m singing soulfully about it. And even more soulfully about it. Now I’m screaming. Look at me! Now I’m really screaming!! [A guitar solo and some awkward high-heeled dancing] I’m soulful. The End.”
Wait — that’s not Pink! It’s the Virgin Mary in a long white robe and hood. Wait again. Plunging neckline. That can’t be the Virgin Mary. Maybe it’s Princess Lea. But, Carrie Fisher can’t sing. Wait — sher just de-robed. Definitely NOT the Virgin Mary. Looks like Pink with Blonde hair and the body of an East German swimmer. Pink’s now she’s spinning in the air, basically naked. Sopping wet. With three naked gold people hanging over her. Is this a song or a gold medal performance in trapeze?
8:46 Keith Urban presenting. For the un-initiated: Urban is Australian. He’s an Australian Country Western singer. Read that again. Confused yet? Me too.
8:47 Best New Artist: The Zach Brown Band. Who? Oh . . . . . that guy. Zach, right? I didn’t know the pudgy guy from The Hangover even had a band. Good for him, because the “I’m disgusting and yet you gotta love me anyway” act was getting old. Good for you, Zach — way to have a back-up plan.
8:54 AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The Black Eyed Peas are performing. Or, as I call them, “”The Hooker, the B-Grade Wyclef Jean, the c-Grade Jermain Dupree and the Realllly Scary Guy With Long Straight Hair.” This music is hilarious. Every single BEP song sounds like it was written and recorded by two high school kids messing around on their Garage Band program on their Apple computer for 10 minutes. The only difference is that, when the high school kids throw the crap away, the BEP’s send it to Sony Records.
The Black Eyed Peas. Everyone treats them with such reverence, like they’re music royalty. Listen up: the Black Eyed Peas are the Village People of the 2k10. Everyone’s got that, right? Guaranteed: they’ll be the best punchline at every wedding starting in 2021. You know how you danced your face off when YMCA came on at your buddy’s wedding in 2001? That’s how the kids will react to the BEP’s in ten years.
9:07 Someone else is performing. I honestly don’t know who it is. I looked down, and I missed who these people are. It looks like Lance Bass singing with one of the finalists from American Idol. Sounds good.
9:09 Best Comedy Album category. The one I’ve been waiting for. Come on Punch In The Face. Come on. I can feel it. This is my year. My video has 139 hits on www.funnyordie.com/chriscurtin. Surely that’s enough momentum to put me over the top. And the winner is . . . Stephen Colbert!! Corporate America’s answer to the question “hey, do you have a sense of humor?” Great.
9:18 Record of the Year Category. Note: Ringo Starr looks fantastic. The winner is: The Kings of Leon. Finally, some dudes on stage. And the song is killer.
9:20 Robert Downey, Jr is presenting. How is this guy not dead or really, really old? He looks great. Hold on . . . RD, Jr is making a theatrical funny. He’s announcing an opera. Oh wait — it’s funny-man turned waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too serious actor Jamie Foxx. He’s has dramatic Kanye-level voice effects on, and their’s only one problem with that: Foxx can really sing. The effects are supposed to be reserved for guys who can’t sing. Wait another minute — now I know why he has the effects on the mic: it’s because the lyrics are awful. It’s just several 40 year-old men screaming “Blame it on the alcohol.” Maybe the Black Eyed Peas should be more comfortable than I previously thought.
9:26 Just a few minutes left to vote for the song Bon Jovi will play later in the show. Can we all agree to have them play “Cherry Pie”? Oh wait — that was Warrant. Actually, that’d be great. Let’s all write in for “Cherry Pie.”
9:32 Best Rock Album. Nominees include Dave Matthews. He’s considered rock? I thought he was folksy bluegrass. And the winner is . . . Green Day. They look very normal. Too normal. So normal that Billie Joe starts to panic at the end (“Oh no. Everyone’s gonna know I’m just a regular guy”), so he blurts out: “and I’m gonna go have shots with the Kings of Leon!!” No you won’t. You’ll be tucking your kids into bed while the Kings of Leon are doing . . . what really cool rock dudes do. I have no idea what that would be. But it will definitely be things that neither I nor Billie Joe can witness or relate to.
9:34 Zach from the Hangover is on stage singing America the Beautiful. I didn’t know he wrote that. Incredible.
9:35 Zach’s playing with Moses from the Bible!!! Cool . . . but I always thought Moses was more of a jazz guy.
9:36 Whoa! Zach from the Hangover is really going at it on the Gui- tar to a stunned audience. Hey, Zach, don’t feel bad if the audience isn’t feeling you. This isn’t the Milwaukee Waterfront Festival. It’s the Grammy’s.
9:48 A washed-up Stevie Nicks sounding much better than Taylor Swift in another painful duet. Taylor: Text Kanye and have him jump on stage to stop this train wreck before it costs you another 3 Grammy’s tonight.
9:52 Lionel Richie!! He’s only won 4 Grammy’s? That Cannot Be Right. Lionel rules! Plus, he officially looks younger and better than he ever did in the Dancing on the Ceiling years.
9:53 Get your 3-D glasses out. We’re gonna see Michael Jackson in 3-D!! Here to sing an MJ tribute are . . . . A Whole Bunch of Random People!! Where were we supposed to get the glasses? The Optometrist’s office? Our local 7-11? I didn’t get the memo. Why doesn’t anyone every tell me anything? Did they come in a bottle of Pepsi? Dammit. I’m never gonna enjoy this without my 3-D specs. And who has 3-D specs just lying around? Sure, Potsy and Ralph Malph, but that’s about it.
10:08 Sheryl Crow is on stage. Eat your heart out, Lance Armstrong.
10:09 Bon Jovi!!! Forget Jon. I see Tico. Go Tico! Drum your little heart out, Tico! Go Tico Go!!
10:10 First time I laughed out loud tonight: Just look at Sambora’s hair. No wonder it didn’t work out with Heather Locklear. No self-respecting Pantene spokeswoman can hang with a dude with hair like that. With the bangs, he looks like a date to the Junior Prom.
10:13 Menage-a-mic! Gretchen, Jon and Ritchie just shared the mic. I thought only Springsteen, his new wife and the guy from the Soprano’s could pull the menage-a-mic! But — No.
10:14 The fans want Bon Jovi to play Living on a Prayer! Of course we do. It’s called music. We used to hear it all the time in the ’90′s. It was an incredible.
10:16 Mos Def is the coolest man in the world. Period. I’m going out to buy the jacket and the tie to try to be more Mos-Def-ish.
10:17 Rap Collaboration category. In other words the “Big Old Mess” category. And the Winner is . . . Kanye West. That was easy. He performed in every song nominated, so it was kind of a lock.
10:18 The show will continue . . . but I’m going to bed. Tell me how the rest of it went tomorrow.